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What if Donald Trump Bought the Bills?

What if Donald Trump Bought the Bills

After this crazy year in Bills history, it’s time to look back to this past summer and think of what could have happened if Donald Trump bought the Buffalo Bills, instead of Terry and Kim Pegula.

Let’s take you back to Week 1 of the 2014 season.  The sale of the Buffalo Bills was concluding with a power struggle between Donald Trump, Terry Pegula and everyone’s favorite, Jon Bon Jovi.  Without any notice, Kim finds a tropical island she wants and Terry backs out of the Bills sale.  The race was closing in, as Trump was looking to buy the team to get more Twitter followers, thus, more suckers to watch his stupid show where an egomaniacal billionaire insults a bunch of multi-millionaires.  Backed by Jim Kelly and Andre Reed (for whatever reason), The Donald would go on to become the 2nd owner in Buffalo Bills history.

By Week 2, word had gotten out that Trump was the new owner.  Everyone around Buffalo was excited, proclaiming “Welcome to Trumpville”.  Signs were placed all around town, as the excitement had the city going wild.

In mid-October, Trump bribed every NFL owner and was passed through as the new owner of the Buffalo Bills!  In his heartfelt speech to Buffalo, Trump fought through the tears to say:

“Yeah, I bought a football team once.  Didn’t work out.  I also bought seventeen casinos, twenty hotels  and the entire state of North Dakota because I felt like it.  Do I want to produce a winner?  I already did.  My kids are all billionaires right now.  I’m the ultimate winner.  Would a loser have such a sweet haircut? Don’t think so.  I’m giving this team a makeover and the Trump seal of approval”.

Trump then went on to give the entire Bills organization a makeover, proclaiming “this is how winners are viewed”.

By Week 6, the organization had a new and much needed flair.  Before the game, a card stunt took place in Ralph Wilson Stadium with this result.

In a wonderful pre-game ceremony, Trump also took down the entire Wall of Fame, replacing it with his own name thirty times, for extra motivation.

In the game, however, the Bills would go on to lose to the New England Patriots, breaking Trump’s undefeated streak as an owner.  Out of embarrassment and frustration, Trump fired the entire coaching staff on the walk back to the locker room in a rage, announcing he’d coach the team himself.

Week 7 against the Vikings:  After a lot of dumb luck throughout the game and a game-winning pass from Kyle Orton to Sammy Watkins, the Bills defeated Minnesota.  Trump was sure it was his “positive impact” on the team in throwing balls of cash on the running backs’ helmets, cash scattered throughout the end zone for the receivers and a field goal net made out of stock certificates.

After the Bills spent the bye week in the Bahamas instead of preparing, they went on to lose to the Kansas City Chiefs, due to a horrific fumble through the back of the end zone by Bryce Brown.  While Bryce made the excuse of stingray bites from the ocean, Trump did the only logical thing he could think of to punish Bryce, by making him watch an entire episode of The Apprentice.  Bryce promised to never fumble again.

The Bills came out flat again against the Dolphins and Trump knew it was time for a change.  After failing to find a quarterback on the waiver-wire, The Donald took things into his own hands.

However, SNOWvember hit in Western New York, forcing the Jets game to be in question.  Donald had too much pride, though, keeping the game in Buffalo, even under the five feet of snow that had piled onto the field of Donald Trump Stadium (Oh yeah, it’s Trump Stadium now).  The Jets were unable to make it through the storm, except Nick Folk, whose lone field goal left the score 38-3.

In Week 13, the Cleveland Browns came to town to face the Buffalo Bills, coached and quarterbacked by Donald himself.  When Brian Hoyer was benched in favor of Johnny Manziel, Johnny Football came in, worked down the field, scored a touchdown and through up the money sign.  Insulted that a rookie QB making $4 million would dare compare himself to a multi-billionaire, Trump promised Kyle Williams a gift card to Mighty Taco, in exchange for Johnny Football’s soul.  Kyle then went on to eat Manziel’s soul the very next drive.

After a loss to Denver, the Bills returned for the home finale against the Packers.  Trump did absolutely nothing the whole game, but beat Green Bay, expecting a parade in return.  But after not receiving the admiration he felt he deserved, Trump put the ball back in the hands of Kyle Orton, who stunk it up and forced the Bills out of playoff contention.

On New Year’s Eve, Donald Trump opted out of his contract with the Trump Organization to put all of his attention into football. Trump admitted he knew nothing about coaching so he found the biggest loudmouth he could possibly find on the market to match his own tremendous ego, REX RYAN.

Funny how things work out.  Thank god the Pegula’s bought the Bills.

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