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Theatre Thursday: Hambone and Hillie

Theatre Thursday: Hambone and Hillie

t’s been quite a while, but here at we like to provide our audience with as much high level football related content as possible.  There is no better way to do that than to do a thorough review of all of O.J. Simpson’s movies.  I will dissect a feature film, then based on what O.J.’s character does in the movie, decide if O.J. Simpson was guilty or not guilty in real life.  If you’re not familiar with these, check out The Cassandra Crossing or Capricorn One.

I will be reviewing the highest grossing film of all time, 1983’s Hambone and Hillie.

Now this movie absolutely sucked.  If you wanted to watch a movie about dogs doing shit, I would totally go for Homeward Bound, Milo and Otis, Air Bud or any movie involving a dog, then this one.  The difference between those movies and this movie?  Orenthal James Simpson.

Now basically this lady, named Hillie, gets on a plane going from L.A. to New York, obviously written this way to parallel OJ’s life, as he came from Southern Cal to Buffalo, but through a lot of goofy hyjinx and gaffs, Hambone doesn’t make it on the plane.  Hambone then decides to walk to New York, because, you know, dogs do that.  So basically Hambone gets into all these dangerous situations that are just absolutely ridiculous.

Somehow or another Hambone flags down a truck driver and has a conversation with him.  The dude driving the truck is one trustworthy son of a bitch though, so Hambone hops in and continues the journey from California to New York.

Now I want to be completely honest with you, I didn’t pay attention at all to this movie and I was pretty bombed, but the general idea of this film is literally the plot of Homeward Bound so just pretend you’re watching Homeward Bound with only one dog for a while, then they go spend Christmas with a crippled girl and then leave her and it’s completely heartbreaking.  The crippled girl who doesn’t have any friends is crying as the dogs run away.  The rest of the movie got kind of fuzzy for me because I was drinking Steel Reserve when I watched it, but basically the only important part was what happened in the truck when Hambone was with the Juice.

They say dogs know.  Right?  If a murderer was touching a dog that close, wouldn’t the dog bark?  Would Hambone have even jumped in the truck?  Hell no.  Hambone knows better than Judge Ito and the entire jury and they even found O.J. not guilty.  There isn’t much more evidence needed than that.

If you’re interested in what happened in this movie but want to save yourself an hour and a half of non-O.J. footage… Like 5 times the dog is about to die from stuff then narrowly escapes at the last second somehow.  Then it walks through the desert for 10 seconds and all of a sudden it’s in St. Louis.

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