I went to the Hall of fame induction of Andre Reed with James Kriger from cover32.com, this big buffalo that stood upright and could speak English and Raul (from earlier this week). It was so sweet to be there in the presence of greatness and to have him look at us and tell us that we were going to win Mortal Kombat this year if we chose to enter in place of Johnny Cage. There was a dude there wearing sweet Ray-Ban sunglasses who was pretty jacked.
I went over and asked him his name and he said he was Riko. Me and Riko started telling each other dirty jokes and got along right away. Raul was texting the whole time and it was really annoying, so that sweet buffalo asked him to stop and Raul just switched to his other Twitter name. Andre Reed started swearing at him, but since the Hall of Fame induction ceremony went on so long the FCC knew everyone was asleep so they didn’t even bleep out any of the swear words.
I went outside into the parking lot to practice my Parkour, like I always do after ceremonies, when I heard a loud argument between Kriger and Raul about the Hall of Fame. Kriger was very upset that Raul was distracting him during the event as he was trying to cover it for the content grid that he is bound to adhere. After a loud exchange Kriger swung to hit Raul, but just as he did that Raul decided to take a selfie and he moved out of the way, so Kriger punched that sweet buffalo right in his eye and bruised it. The buffalo was so sad and mad that he just kept asking Kriger why he was so mean. Kriger realized that he was only being so awful because he was bound to this content grid and vowed that the rest of his writing career be free of this communism. The buffalo and him started a Weird Al cover band called “Let’s Get Weird” and started playing local venues that evening. Just then Bon Jovi came out of the field where he had set up a bunch of road flares, pretending that it was pyro for him to be introduced. He started singing one of his terrible songs that all sound the same and Riko said that he had recently had a lot of time on his hands, so we should invite them to this house that he had been watching for his uncle Peter McCallister while he took the rest of the family to France. Bon Jovi and Raul were already best friends from both being so terrible, so they said yeah and then took a selfie together.
We got to the house and Antoine Dodson was there. It turns out Riko had spent the last 3 days fixing up the house with a series of boobie-traps, just in case any intruders tried to get in and have their way with Antoine’s sister. First Raul tried to go in the basement and he stepped on a nail and got tar all over his feet. Bon Jovi tried to come in the front door and got his hair burned, so when he went to the back door his stupid girl hair got lit on fire with a blowtorch. Raul got his face smashed in with an iron, but these injuries were all very comedic. After that I threw a paint can down from the balcony and it crushed Raul’s face, then both of them slipped on Micro Machines and Bon Jovi lost his gold tooth.
Raul and Bon Jovi ran out of the house as the cops came as they got away to set up a sequel. The cops and news showed up and Riko, Antoine and myself started singing the Bed Intruder Song. We became instant YouTube sensations and we signed a record deal. They told me that since I had to play for the Bills this year I wouldn’t be able to go on tour with them, but if they find Raul and Bon Jovi while they go on their world tour, they would call me and we could all put their hands in warm water as they were sleeping to make them pee their pants. I pointed out that they both do that without the water and we all rode our bikes into the moonlit sky like in E.T.