For the last 10 years there has been darkness in the world. The Patriots took control of a powerful crystal that gave them control of the AFC East… But they were deceived as the crystal is by nature a dark entity, the crystal lost a shard. Over the last 10 years the Patriots have gotten older, slower, wrinkly and decrepit to the point where they had to start bending the rules of the universe to continue living. Elsewhere, a more peaceful people, the Bills, lived in a created oasis among the havoc and chaos created by the wrath of the Patriots, but Bills elders knew that the shard must be returned to the crystal on the 11th year as the two suns aligned and shined through onto the crystal.
Rex had told me this story so many times that I had started to not care about it. I am the last of my kind anyway, so I stopped believing in any hope that light could be restored to the crystal and civilization could be reestablished in any form. Rex told me that he was going to make some Hot Pockets so I went up to hang out with him and he told me that he was made aware of where the shard was because the Ravens told him that they thought they saw the shard the last time they attempted to overthrow the Patriots and restore light to the world. I packed my belongings into a hobo style bag and put it on a stick and went on my way. Patriots, in efforts to keep an advantage, set up spy cameras along the road, so they were aware that I was off to find the shard of crystal. After he finished his 2nd dinner they let Vince Wilfork loose to intercept the shard. I went and talked to some old lady but she was so old that I told her I wasn’t listening and that she could text me that stuff because talking is pointless. She pulled out her flip phone and I knew it was going to take forever with T9 Word so I took off and waited for her text. She sent me coordinates to the location where she believed the shard was. It wasn’t there because she is stupid, but I found it anyway. Right as I was picking it up Vince Wilfork jumped me from behind, but help came from the strangest of places.
Nickell Robey came racing through on his triceratops and jumped off to join me as his triceratops poked Wilfork in the stomach and he deflated. Rex told me I was the last one but apparently Nickell existed so he was either lying or just made a boo boo. I had the shard and all we had to do was infiltrate the Patriot cave to get to the crystal, and the two suns were moving near each other so we looked to be in good shape. We got to their lair and we ran right through Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola because they’re wimps. We got into the cave and Bill Belichick told us we were too late. We weren’t though, he’s just a nincompoop, so he said that he thought we were too late because Tom Brady told him that we were too late so it was all Tom Brady’s fault. Tom Brady started crying and I threw a rubick’s cube at Bill Belichick and he slipped in Tom Brady’s tears and then Tom Brady started crying more and passed out. Nickell took the shard from me and grew wings real quick and flew on top of the crystal and jammed the shard in right as the suns aligned. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick deflated and we saved the world.
After we saved the world a really sweet DeLorean came flying out of the sky and it was Preston Brown. I asked Doc what was going on and he told us we were actually in an alternate time line because Doug Marrone went back in time and gave himself Grays Sports Almanac. We got into the time machine and we were going to go Back to the Future. Great Scott.