The great Doug Marrone had been thought of by many as a visionary, an icon and a great new mind of football innovation. When this generation’s Vince Lombardi decided to opt-out of his contract with the Buffalo Bills, he quit on the millions of smiling faces around Bills-land. We here at Buffalo Bruises have done a little bit of research into Doug Marrone’s past, learning that this is (obviously) far from the first time he’s quit something to benefit himself.
As a young boy, Dougie proclaimed “One day, I will become so successful, I will make $4 million for doing absolutely nothing.” After just four hours, Doug quit his Lemonade corporation after realizing it would (obviously) take a lot more than $1 an hour if he would ever strive for his goal.
Little Doug then decided to join the amateur boxing circuit. He was small, but packed a big punch. Little Doug (obviously) made it all the way to challenge for the World Heavyweight Championship, but quit when Mike Tyson gave him a dirty look.
After quitting boxing, Doug decided to pursue his music career. He joined as the new guitarist for Nickelback, but quit when he found their lyrics to be much too controversial, as they rocked “way too hard”.
Doug was exiled from the music industry. The Nickel-backers were angry. They (obviously) wanted Doug to get his ass kicked. Doug took that to heart, feeling extremely guilty he had just left this generation’s Beatles. He joined the WWE, knowing he could make a quick buck if people saw him getting his ass kicked. Doug Marrone, then named “Stone Cold Marrone” (obviously) excelled in pro-wrestling, as he has been credited the original creator of the “I-Quit Match”.
Doug then quit the WWE when he saw a chance to star in a new blockbuster film, forgetting he’d need talent to go through with that. As WWE Chairman Vince McMahon always said, “Doug Screwed Doug”.
Marrone then went on to bigger & better things, investing in a new amusement park, based around the resurrection of dinosaurs from cells. However, this didn’t work out quite as Doug had expected after Doug quit paying the electric bill.
Dougie felt like his reputation was being tarnished. He felt abused as millions from all walks of life knew his name and that he had quit everything he ever tried. Doug wanted to change all that. He wanted people to look to him as a positive figure to turn to, much like Gandhi, MLK, Oprah, & Lord Terrence Pegula. He joined the military, figuring this would be a way to skyrocket his reputation to the moon. He forgot that he needed to be loyal to his own side…
After his horrible betrayal, Doug felt he needed to get out of the spotlight, and fast. Given his recent military background, Doug became the primary security guard of Cloud City. Doug had done his job very well for a number of months, realizing he didn’t need to sell himself out to become a great person. However, that feeling soon changed when Darth Jovi offered him a Subway punch-card with FOUR holes already punched. Doug didn’t realize he’d be selling out his friends… Well, yes he completely did, it’s just… that Subway card already had four holes punched!
After gaining Darth Jovi’s respect Doug was given a favor in his 1996 run to become the mayor of Toronto. Given Darth Jovi’s legendary status in Toronto, he got Dougie elected. However, his first term in office came to an abrupt end when “Pencil-Gate” broke out. Marrone had allegedly taken a pencil from a court hearing & stuck it in his front pocket. This scandalous moment in history easily made him out to be one of the notorious criminals in Canadian history, the U.S. equivalent of John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, or Justin Bieber.
Doug attempted to finally put his past behind him once again. Obviously, the right move for him was to turn to his faith and find his answers there. Doug used his past relations with the likes of Darth Jovi, Nickelback, Vince McMahon, and that stereotypical black trainer from Punch-Out to help him up the Catholic Hierarchy and be named the new Pope. However, Pope Douglas quit when he looked over the balcony, remembering he’s deathly afraid of heights.
Dougie was frustrated. He wanted everyone to know his name, but never question him for any reason. Doug turned to football assuming sports fans were the most relaxed, passive audience he could relay his message to, right? Doug took his talents through New York, New Orleans and a number of high-profiled universities, bringing him to Syracuse. However, Doug was no match the vicious Syracuse media, constantly asking him easy questions a small-town college coach in a bad program should be able to answer in a heartbeat. “Mike Williams is a meanie-butt” Doug said in a postgame press conference, sobbing at his desk. Doug saw an opportunity to move onto the next job and he took it.
Douglas Charles Marrone became the 17th coach in Buffalo Bills history, up there with some of the greats like Dick Jauron, Mike Mularkey, Gregg Williams, & Chan Gailey. His exuberance showed each time he hit the podium, lighting up the crowd as the fun-loving guy he really was. In his introductory press conference, he started by saying “Is this thing on?… Because I don’t think it is. There’s this blinking light thing that I can’t seem to figure out. Oh, there it goes. Can I leave yet? I’m hungry and want to put on 100 pounds over two years to show how stressful this job is.”
Whatever Doug did to get noticed just wasn’t working. He had to try something new and innovative. He released a new hit game on the mobile market titled “Flappy Doug”. In which you played as Doug Marrone’s floating head in an attempt to dodge the media monsters of Buffalo from second-guessing your job status. However, the game was too fun & addictive, so he took it off the market.
Doug was innovative and exciting, bringing new life to the Buffalo community. However, the unfair criticism caught up to the Dougernaut. As analytic s showed, the fans didn’t appreciate the horrific playcalling, pointless press conferences or dodged questions. The Buffalo Media Monsters bullied poor Doug daily. Tim Graham giving him “wet-willies”, Joe Buscaglia giving him “wedgies” and Mike Rodak firing “spitballs” at him during his press conferences. “You guys don’t pay me enough. I’m suffering here” Doug said to Terry. “Would you rather be the puppet coaching the Sabres right now?” Terry answered back. “No sir… I QUIT! You’re holding me back from my dream of becoming the Jaguars offensive line coach! I can’t work here!”
So there you have it. Doug Marrone is bigger than Jesus. My sources are none of your business.