Dear Mr. Tom Bündchen:
Happy One Year Closer To Retiring Day! (But really, who’s counting?) We heard through the grapevine that Hernandez is going to throw a killer birthday party for you today. We’re really sorry we won’t be able to make it, but we thought maybe BeliCheat wouldn’t mind videotaping some of it for us?
We want you to know we had a really tough time coming up with what to get you for this obviously special day. Today is also National Grab Some Nuts Day! But we figured you have that one covered already. By the looks of that moat surrounding one of your homes you’re not struggling to purchase the necessities. Your wife seems like kind of a whore so the stripper birthday cake idea is off the table. Besides, if you’re not getting it from her there is always the media, right?. I mean it’s no secret that the media loves to S the D of everyone on your entire team.
We understand how fragile you are and wanted to maybe petition for a ‘Nail-Break Rule’ or a ‘Almost-Touched-Me Rule’ to accompany your Low-Blow Rule. But after some heavy consideration we realized that would just be a silly waste of time, seeing as you can simply shed a couple of your magical Brady-tears and have the refs bending over in front of you to appease your any wish within seconds whenever you like. So after much consideration, we decided that the best birthday present we could possibly give to you is a heartfelt apology and maybe some free wi-fi and dry cleaning for your UGGs at the Adams Mark Hotel for you and your father this season. (See? Our hotels AREN’T the worst places in the world). Anyways, here it goes:
Tom, We’re truly sorry for the complex mental issues that your gender confusion must cause you, and understand that the growing out of your hair just added to the emotional crisis you obviously suffer from an a daily basis. We’re sorry that you haven’t won a Super Bowl since Spygate and Adam Vinatieri left, we understand your pain. We’re sorry that everyone calls you a deadbeat dad, even if it’s true. We’re sorry that you’re a systems quarterback. We’re sorry that while Peyton Manning was setting a single season TD pass record, you were simultaneously only setting a single season high-fives-left-hanging record. We’re sorry that Gronk missed that Super Bowl winning pass a couple of years ago (ironically, right after you publicly dissed his hometown of Buffalo). We’re sorry about 18-1. But hey….YOLO! (You Only Lost One) We’re sorry we stripped you of your “Most Hated Man In Buffalo” title and gave it to Bon Jovi. You guys are besties, or butt buddies, or something, right? Maybe he’ll share. But most of all, Tom, we’re sorry that you’ll never have a ‘fam’base like us…or a celebration like the one our “not so nice” city of Buffalo is going to have when we finally kick your lousy pansy ass and claim the AFC East. Because let’s face it, nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. Happy Birthday Tom!